More Humor

Madman

Madman

Registered
25 Oct 2009
13,769
Pennsylvania, USA
"Please be patient. Even a toilet can handle one a**hole at a time".

"The secret to being happy is having a good sense of humor and a dirty mind".

"We'll be friends 'til we're old and senile. Then we'll be new friends".

"Dear students, I know when you're texting in class. Seriously, no one just looks down at their crotch and smiles".
 
Madman

Madman

Registered
25 Oct 2009
13,769
Pennsylvania, USA
MAN INJURED IN A BIZARRE PEEPING TOM ACCIDENT. HE'S NOW IN ICU.

I VISITED A LOWLIFE BAR CALLED "THE FIDDLE". IT WAS A REALLY VILE INN.

DUE TO QUARANTINE I WILL BE DOING ONLY INSIDE JOKES.

I BELIEVE THAT THE FINEST SHOES ARE MADE OF SMOOTH LEATHER. MY OPINION WILL NEVER BE SUEDE.

INNUENDO: AN ITALIAN SUPPOSITORY.

IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO FIX A BROKEN LOCK, MY DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN FOR YOU.

WHERE DID THE TERMINATOR FIND THE TOILET PAPER? AISLE B, BACK. I WARNED YOU!

FOUR RUBBER TREADS STOLEN FROM POLICE CAR. COPS ARE WORKING TIRELESSLY TO FIND THE THIEF!

ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS - THE ORIGINAL SACK LUNCH.

IF YOUR MAN DOESN'T APPRECIATE FRESH FRUIT PUNS - LET THE MANGO!

A PERFECTIONIST WALKED INTO A BAR. APPARENTLY, IT WASN'T SET HIGH ENOUGH!

TO THE THIEF WHO STOLE MY GLASSES: I WILL FIND YOU! I HAVE CONTACTS!

SOMEONE THREW A JAR OF MAYONNAISE AT ME. IT WAS LIKE "HELL MAN!"

COLD? GO STAND IN THE CORNER. IT'S 90 DEGREES!

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION WAS "EXERCISE"! NO, WAIT . . . I MEANT "FRENCH FRIES!"

I WAS TORTURED BY MIMES. THEY DID UNSPEAKABLE THINGS TO ME!

WHY CAN'T YOU TRUST AN ATOM? THEY MAKE UP EVERYTHING!

I WANTED TO BE A MONK - BUT I NEVER GOT THE CHANTS!

BIGAMIST: AN ITALIAN FOG.

MY FRIEND DAVID HAD HIS I.D. STOLEN, SO NOW HE'S JUST "DAV".

REGULAR PUNS MAKE ME NUMB, AND MATH PUNS MAKE ME NUMBER!
 
David1226

David1226

Registered
24 Oct 2009
4,587
70
Abingdon, Oxfordshire
Picture this scene from The Old West. The Town Sherriff is siting back in his rocking chair, on the boardwalk outside his office, with his feet up on the hitching rail, watching a cloud of dust approaching the town. As it gets nearer, the figure of a lone cowboy on a horse can be seen in the middle of the cloud. The cowboy, covered in several days of trail dust, reaches town and he reins in outside the saloon. As the Sherriff watches, the cowboy dismounts, ties up his horse, but instead of heading straight into the saloon, he walks to the rear of his horse, lifts up its tail, and kisses it square on the, shall we say for propriety's sake, vent of the horses alimentary canal. He then lowers the tail and heads for the saloon. The Sherriff is dumbfounded, he has never seen anything like that, in his life, before. He calls the cowboy over to him and says 'I saw what you did just then, what was that all about?' The cowboy said 'I have been on the trail for many days, my lips are badly sunburnt, cracked, bleeding and very sore.' The Sherriff said 'So that cures it does it?' 'No' the cowboy replied 'but it sure stops you from licking your lips.'

David
 
Rhinochugger

Rhinochugger

Retired Oik
27 Oct 2009
28,144
North West Norfolk
Yes, after our weekend travel through the countryside, that in places had been well manured, I can confirm we are not suffering from C-19. There's no point closing the windows when the roof's down :devil::devil:
 
Zerogee

Zerogee

Clencher's Bogleman
25 Oct 2009
16,979
North Essex
Randomly remembered this quote that I read recently, can't recall where it was from.....

"Every woman says she wants a "Fairytale Wedding", but when I turn up at the Church and put a curse on the soul of their firstborn, they all call me a jerk...."

:rofl:

Jon.