More Humor

Madman

Madman

Registered
25 Oct 2009
13,769
Pennsylvania, USA
This guy should be given the Pulitzer prize.

Subject Bricklayer]


Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....



Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you
again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
 
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trammayo

trammayo

Interested in vintage commercial vehicle, trams, t
24 Oct 2009
20,936
71
Co. Mayo
This guy should be given the Pulitzer prize.

Subject Bricklayer]


Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....



Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you
again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
I think that is based on an Irish song along the lines of why poor Paddy won't be at work today!
 
Martino

Martino

Kit bashing, The UK narrow gauge, The GWR, Aviatio
I recall hearing this as a record on either Children's Hour, Uncle Mac, or Family Favourites as a kid in the 50s or 60s. I can't remember the comedian who did it. It will come to me and I'll post a link, as I'm 100% sure someone has posted it on line!
 
Martino

Martino

Kit bashing, The UK narrow gauge, The GWR, Aviatio
Found it! Gerard Hoffnung in 1958.

 
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trammayo

trammayo

Interested in vintage commercial vehicle, trams, t
24 Oct 2009
20,936
71
Co. Mayo
Maybe the Irish song was a piece of plagiarism!

 
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David1226

David1226

Registered
24 Oct 2009
4,587
70
Abingdon, Oxfordshire
I was once accused of plagiarism..... their words, not mine....

David
 
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Zerogee

Zerogee

Clencher's Bogleman
25 Oct 2009
16,979
North Essex
"To steal from one source is plagiarism...... to steal from many sources is called "research"......" ;)

Jon.
 
PhilP

PhilP

G Scale, 7/8th's, Electronics
5 Jun 2013
26,500
Tamworth, Staffs.
"To steal from one source is plagiarism...... to steal from many sources is called "research"......" ;)

Jon.
To steal from those sources on the internet... Is called a '2.1'!
:rolleyes::rofl::rofl::rofl:
 
Madman

Madman

Registered
25 Oct 2009
13,769
Pennsylvania, USA
Yet more good laughs

This is a good one Folks!
Study the picture first and then read the story.

This actually happened to
an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stops
the Englishman's car and asks if he has been
drinking.
With great difficulty,
the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his
daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few
bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches
thereafter.
Quite upset, the
policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and
verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if
he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be
arrested.
The Englishman answers
with a bit of humour,
"No sir, I do not! But
while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car
and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other
side?"

 

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trammayo

trammayo

Interested in vintage commercial vehicle, trams, t
24 Oct 2009
20,936
71
Co. Mayo
Yet more good laughs

This is a good one Folks!
Study the picture first and then read the story.

This actually happened to
an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stops
the Englishman's car and asks if he has been
drinking.
With great difficulty,
the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his
daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few
bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches
thereafter.
Quite upset, the
policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and
verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if
he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be
arrested.
The Englishman answers
with a bit of humour,
"No sir, I do not! But
while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car
and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other
side?"
... and the policeman would then reply "Merde!"
 
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vsmith

vsmith

G Scale indoors, O Tinplate, Micro Layouts
24 Oct 2009
3,809
Sunny So Cal
Somewhere in the Loony Tunes universe there is this, animated with Bugs and Elmer Fudd,
 
Madman

Madman

Registered
25 Oct 2009
13,769
Pennsylvania, USA
The Pilot and the Priest
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.


I knew you'd like it!
 
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Madman

Madman

Registered
25 Oct 2009
13,769
Pennsylvania, USA
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little guy.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer �100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, �200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly."If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off
 
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trammayo

trammayo

Interested in vintage commercial vehicle, trams, t
24 Oct 2009
20,936
71
Co. Mayo
Nice ones - it's good to start the day off is humour!
 
trammayo

trammayo

Interested in vintage commercial vehicle, trams, t
24 Oct 2009
20,936
71
Co. Mayo
I got this email last night;

Quotes

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know a...re below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I'll post the other half later!
 
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Madman

Madman

Registered
25 Oct 2009
13,769
Pennsylvania, USA
I just remembered where I read about a town called Hell, which is mentioned in another topic. But the following is just a few facts that are rather disheartening.


The following are some strange facts about America that most Americans do not know.



#1 In more than half of all states in the United States of America, the highest paid public employee in the state is a football coach.


Infographic: Is Your State's Highest-Paid Employee A Coach ...
You may have heard that the highest-paid employee in each state is usually the football coach at the largest state school. This is actually a gross ...
Read more...






#2 It costs the U.S. government 1.8 cents to mint a penny and9.4 cents to mint a nickel. Interesting links


http://www.usmint.gov/circulating_coins/index.cfm?action=coins#


http://news.coinupdate.com/us-mint-cost-to-make-cent-and-nickel-declines-3113/

#3 Almost half of all Americans (47 percent) do not put a single penny out of their paychecks into savings.

#4 Apple has more cash than the U.S. Treasury.

#5 The state of Alaska is 429 times larger than the state of Rhode Island. But Rhode Island has a significantly larger population than Alaska does.

#6 Alaska has a longer coastline than all of the other 49 U.S. states put together.

#7 The city of Juneau, Alaska, is about 3,000 square miles in size. It is actually larger than the entire state of Delaware.

#8 When LBJ’s “War on Poverty” began, less than 10 percent of all U.S. children were growing up in single parent households.
Today, that number has skyrocketed to 33 percent .

#9 In 1950, less than 5 percent of all babies in America were born to unmarried parents. Today, that number is over 40 percent.

#10 The poverty rate for households that are led by a married couple is 6.8 percent.
For households that are led by a female single parent, the poverty rate is 37.1 percent.

#11 In 2013, women earned 60 percent of all bachelor’s degrees that were awarded that year in the United States.

#12 According to the CDC, 34.6 percent of all men in the U.S. are obese at this point.

#13 The average supermarket in the United States wastes about 3,000 lbs of food each year.
Meanwhile, approximately 20 percent of the garbage that goes into our landfills is food.

#14 According to one recent survey, 81 percent of Russians now have a negative view of the United States. That is much higher than at the end of the Cold War era.

#15 Montana has three times as many cows as it does people.

#16 The grizzly bear is the official state animal of California . But no grizzly bears have been seen there since 1922. They are plentiful in Mississippi, Tennessee and other southern states, however.

#17 One recent survey discovered that “a steady job” is the number one thing that American women are looking for in a husband, and discovered that 75 percent of women would have a serious problem dating an unemployed man.

#18 According to a study conducted by economist Carl Benedict Frey and engineer Michael Osborne, up to 47 percent of the jobs in the United States could soon be lost to computers, robots and other forms of technology.

#19 The only place in the United States where coffee is grown commercially is in Hawaii.

#20 The original name of the city of Atlanta was “Terminus“.

#21 The state with the most millionaires per capita is Maryland.

#22 One survey of 50-year-old men in the U.S. found that only 12 percent of them said that they were “very happy”.

#23 The United States has 845 motor vehicles for every 1,000 people.

#24 48 percent of all Americans do not have any emergency supplies in their homes whatsoever. Even fewer have fire extinguishers.

#25 There are three towns in the United States that have the name “Santa Claus“.

#26 There is actually a town in Michigan called “Hell“. (I wonder how far down the road from Detroit that is?)

#27 If you have no debt and also have 10 dollars in your wallet...you are wealthier than 25 percent of all Americans.


#28 By the time an American child reaches the age of 18, that child will have seen approximately 40,000 murders on television.


And now the summary! Once upon a time we were the most loved and most respected nation on the entire planet, but those days are gone. We have wrecked our economy, we have lost our values and we have fumbled away our future. But if you look close enough, you can still see many of the things that once made this country a shining beacon to the rest of the world. This article includes some weird facts, some fun facts, but also some very troubling facts. If we are ever going to change course as a nation, we need to come to grips with just how far we have fallen.
 
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GAP

GAP

G Scale Trains, HO Trains
One from the colonies.

Englishman fronts up to Australia House in London, to get a visa to visit his family over here in Australia.

Australian official behind the counter asks "Do you have a criminal record?"

Englishman sighs and replies " is that STILL a requirement...... "
 
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David1226

David1226

Registered
24 Oct 2009
4,587
70
Abingdon, Oxfordshire
This is a copy of a post I made in the Coffee Lounge in 'Thursday 3rd December 2015'. I am re-posting it here as a more appropriate thread.

A couple of weeks ago, one of my brothers-in-law and I were in conversation about stand-up comedians and I mentioned Jethro. He said he seemed to remember a story about a train that didn't stop but he never really understood it. I said that he was talking about a Jethro classic routine about the train not stopping at Camborne station, I went through the premise of the story and he was delighted that after all these years he finally understood what the story was all about. That got me thinking about looking it up on Youtube. Not only was it there, but it was linked to videos of trains passing through Camborne.

For those overseas readers who have never heard of Jethro, he is a Cornish (and proud) stand-up who was very popular a few years back. The natives of Cornwall, in the extreme southwest of the UK, have a very distinctive accent and way of speaking. Jethro plays up to this in his act. The clip does contain a minimal amount of mild swearing and a mild racilal comment that is non-PC today. Even after all these years, it still makes me chuckle.


David
 
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Rhinochugger

Rhinochugger

Retired Oik
27 Oct 2009
28,144
North West Norfolk
Don't know if it's comedy or what, but left wing pacifism in this country means sending a death threat to an MP who didn't vote in accordance with your views.
 
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